For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a daddy's girl. when in my class everybody used to praise their fathers as being the strongest and the first man they fell in love with, I always used to feel left out. At that point, I never understood why but now I know and I feel sorry. I am sorry, pappa.
you did try your best, you bought me gifts, played with me, danced with me but the only thing you couldn't do was to make me and maa your first priority. The first time I realised it was when daddy passed away and we were worried that you will soon too because this vicious cycle was more of a family thing now, we tried to stop you, but you didn't.
As a kid, we think of our parents as our superheroes, who would protect us and be our armour in every situation, but when I saw you for the first time passing out because of excessive drinking, I knew we were not a normal family and you were not a normal father. you tried hard, you tried to forget about going to that bottle but each time you promised, I found you sitting there begging us that it will the last time. why could I never be your priority, papa?
you were never violent or abusive but was that enough? were we enough? was our love enough for you too quit drinking?
Time passed with your fake promises and soon I accepted you the way you were but I always hoped that one day you will say that you are tired and now you want us more than that bottle and we can live happily ever after, but it never happened. I was with you the whole time, making excuses for you, thinking you will change for us, but you never did. why papa, was it so difficult?
Do you know when you lost me in the process? when you passed out at a wedding and I alone had to take you home in a cab. you cried because you failed to protect me and you promised you will never drink but again you went on the same path. I am your daughter papa, you should protect me, babysit me, why are you giving up on that role so soon? I am not ready yet.
I am happy that I didn't inherit this addiction of yours, but what I did get is your fear of commitment and the fear that nobody will choose me ever. I kept running from relationships because with the expression of love I feared abandonment, but to my luck, the first man I dated turned out just like you. He was the exact copy of you.
you gave me everything I wanted, always, but I wish you could have given me some of your time.I wish we could have gone on dinner dates without the fear of you getting drunk.
Its okay, papa. I forgive you but I am not ready to call you my father. I have started resenting you, I don't want to but I feel helpless. I am sorry, papa but I cannot respect you anymore. I don't love you anymore, but you will always be the first man I wanted to fall in love with.
Happy fathers day, papa, hope I can someday tell you how much of daddy's girl I wanted to become.
your daughter.